Craving the Satisfaction of a Job Well Done

Like my Creator, I need to be needed. I guess that demands an explanation. It's based in part on the Westminister Catechism. God created us because he wanted (maybe needed) someone to choose to love Him and glorify Him. God desires us to love Him and enjoy Him forever, to need Him and express that need by praying to Him.

Similarly, I have to have someone need me. I cannot be a self-contained, self-satisfying island. I've had recent reminders of this. Because I'm not able to sit for long periods at the computer anymore, I've had to let my wife come in and help put things together for our clients. It's frustrating! I'm not able to be as useful. While all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, all play and no work makes Steve purposeless and empty. I need to come away from each day with something -- anything! -- that says I was critical to something good happening that day. It's not that I feel worthless, but I need the gratification of a job well done.

Today, Karen had a crick in her neck from sleeping wrong. Now, I do not have any sort of license or degree for massage, but baby, I really enjoyed working on her neck and helping her feel better. I have strong hands and a talent for finding tension and getting it to release. I'd get the training and licensing if I thought I could do it part-time or full-time with any consistency. Unfortunately, I can't predict the times or the duration for the periods I am unable to work. If I could, I would be able to make a job of doing it. Maybe in the future, but today, it's just not possible.

Brace Yourselves, America

I am very concerned about the "Mideast Peace Conference" being put on by President Bush. It seems like every time we pressure Israel to give up its land, "acts of God" seem to tear us up. This country is in enough trouble without the President pursuing this legacy grabber. Since Carter did it in the 70s, every President has felt the need to try it and see if he can be "the one who brokered a lasting Mideast peace," especially if it's a second term presidency.

You have to wonder if we'll ever get it. Gee, pressure Israel to barter land for peace--something that's never worked!--and somehow we end up with a natural disaster or some other unforeseen event negatively impacting the nation. Most of the country's dogs could understand this logic, so why can't our leadership? One word: hubris.

Christi elaison. (God, have mercy.)

Fight For Me

A friend of mine recently introduced me to the music of Danny Oertli. WOW! I know that this is unusual for me to go off like this, but his song "Fight For Me" really, really resonates with me. Since I can't find the lyrics online, I'm posting them here.

I am praying this for Paul and Gena today as they are dealing with a less-than-ideal situation with their newborn. I have no more details than what Paul gives on his blog. Please pray with me for them today. God, fight for them and their new baby.

Fight For Me
Exodus 14:14, 1 Peter 5:8
words and music by Danny Oertli (listen on his MySpace page) (about.com review)

Sometimes I feel surrounded
Dark spirits in the air
Waiting to destroy me
More than I can bear
A prayer of desperation
With nowhere left to run
Looking to the heavens
Feeling so undone

Fight for me, yeah
And I will remain still
Fight for me, yeah
And I will remain still

He paces in the darkness
And whispers in my ear
Poisoning your mercy
With all my deepest fears
So when I'm weak and broken
Unable to stand
I will wait in silence
And watch your mighty hand

Fight for me, yeah
And I will remain still
Fight for me, yeah
And I will remain still

(c) 2004 Danny Oertli Music
posted under Fair Use

Baby Grace

God have mercy. What happened to this innocent?

NFL Thoughts

Time is truly relative. One NFL minute is equal to 3 real minutes, unless it's at night where it's equal to 4.5 real minutes.

The NFL needs to get a clue about the advertisements they allow NBC, ESPN, CBS and especially Fox to air. For a father trying to teach his son about what makes a real, godly man, we want to see the game. We don't want to see Beyonce bump and grind, skimpy cheerleader outfits and hard-hitting ads for shows we would never let our kids watch. The good thing about winter is that it gives the cheerleaders an excuse to dress in something more than a bikini. Now it seems there's nothing the networks won't show, and they don't care about kids. They care about profits. The NFL has an interest in controlling the presentation, yet they don't seem to value them either. It's getting to where I'm about to pull the plug or record the games to skip this stuff.

If there is a dark, sinister force in the NFL, it is most at home with Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. Few people fail to respect their staff more than him, fewer still will out-stoop him in foul play.

Though I would like to say Mile High, it is Arrowhead that is the most feared venue, no matter the season or the quality of the Chiefs.

At it's best, football is a sport that teaches strategic and tactical thinking. At it's worst, it teaches that a person's morals don't matter if they play the game well. This is why I respect Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan for including how the person behaves off the field in his decision making.

Whoops. Broncos are on. Gotta go.

Coffee Snobbery

I need to confess something. I am a coffee addict. Worse, I am a coffee snob. I will forget Folgers, ban Yuban and chuck Chock Full o'Nuts. Bags of Eight O'Clock Coffee and Dunkin' Donuts coffee are good if you're needing a paperweight but they are horrible for drinking. Whole bean coffee is sublime and I love the scent of freshly roasted beans still shiny with natural oils. It's a sight that makes me giddy with anticipation.

I am not alone in my love for coffee. My wife is also hooked. Our day cannot start without a 16 oz cup of strong, freshly brewed goodness, followed closely by a second cup. Half and half and natural sugar round out the flavor. It gives me something to warm my hands with and soothe my mouth, which is usually dry from the medications I'm taking. I keep track of what companies are pricing their beans at so I can get the best cup for the lowest cost. As a result, I avoid Starbucks and their Seattle's Best Coffee (purchased by Starbucks in 2003). The exception is a bag of Starbucks' Gold Coast blend or their Caffe Verona. It's the only two I will pick if I have a choice. Otherwise, and this is going to sound weird, I pick up a large bag of Marques de Paiva. I usually pick up their Fair Trade or Rainforest blend. I also use their espresso blend for my espresso machine.

Speaking of espresso, most folks don't know how to do it. The secret to a good espresso drink is as follows:

1. The Grind - a fine, powdery grind is best
2. The Tamp - espresso needs to be pressed firmly into the basket filter, using about 40 pounds of pressure, rotationally tamped with a quarter-turn a couple of times
3. The Temp - preheat the shot glass so that the espresso doesn't lose it's temperature. With espresso, time and temperature is your enemy. For this reason, most baristas steam the milk before or during the brew cycle, never afterward.

For regular joe coffee, a full, non-bitter taste is my favorite. Yet, there is the belief out there that the more expensive a coffee is, the better tasting the brew will be. It's partly correct. I've found that the lighter colored beans, called quakers, are responsible for bitter, sour or simply bad-tasting coffee. Every blend will have them because it's nearly impossible to weed them out, but the fewer quakers, the better the brew. Since no one to my knowledge has developed an automated quaker detector, removing the quakers must be done by hand, increasing the cost of the coffee for how long someone is paid to remove them. On the other hand, the Marques de Paiva blend somehow gets around this cost, delivering a great taste for a lower cost. I'm sure the rest of the coffee industry joins me in wondering how they are doing this.

There's other, local roasts and roasters that are hidden gems. Some of them actually make it to the big retailers too. But, like small guys taking on Starbucks retail, they are the exception not the rule. Never be afraid to plunk down a few bucks on a sample bag of coffee. You never know what you might be missing. If it's awful, throw it out and brew with another blend you trust and try another one next week, because apathy kills your taste buds. It's the one thing standing between you and your becoming a coffee snob.

Thanks Given

Okay, here I am on the day before Thanksgiving, sitting in a peaceful home. I have much to be thankful for.

Our home, despite our lack of income for two years, is still intact. This is a miracle!

I have my pain medications here and they're working. They didn't cost me a fortune, thanks to Medicaid and God's provision.

My wife and children love me. I had a wonderful, candle-lit moment with my wife last night talking about us (after I had a snit-fit). She's really the great one in our relationship. She has such a servant's heart and she takes care of every need, often stepping to the plate when I can't help. I often write about coping with a disability, but she's the real authority on it. She puts up with all my symptoms and problems. She doesn't accuse me or regret marrying me. She loves me. I am so very thankful for that. I would do anything to keep our hearts together.

My body, while injured, is not dead and is doing much better than those who have totally lost functions. I can still do some part-time work with a few provisions. If I couldn't do anything, it would rob my heart of so much.

I have the support of my parents, who sacrifice time, money and effort to help me stay on top of the house. I couldn't keep my family here without their love and support. Most importantly, it's given in grace, without asking for anything in return--except maybe allowing them to love their grandkids. I treasure every moment I'm around them. Not many people can say that about their parents. When I grow up, I want to be just like them.

We received $200 from a Christian brother or sister who wants to remain anonymous. If nothing else, this gives me hope that we will be able to give our kids some gifts this Christmas. I know that God will reward this person for what they did in secret.

We have the prospect of having valuable work done on our house to help us in our long-term needs. That will go a long way toward our being able to stay here.

I have a friend who understands chronic pain and spinal cord problems because he suffers from it too. People like me need others who can relate to us on our pain and symptoms. The frustration and the depression can get overwhelming and having someone understand your predicament during those times counts for a lot. It's God's providence.

I can pray over my little ones without worrying about their future or present circumstances, because I know God hasn't carried us this far only to drop us now.

I have the sacrificial blood of Jesus Christ in me and working good in everything I encounter. This eternal grace and forgiveness is the most wonderful and profound act in the universe. And it involves me when it didn't have to because He loves me.

And He loves you, too. That's worth a little turkey with gravy, don't you think?

Grain Bin Ruins A Thanksgiving

I guess this falls between news and what-in-the-world. A family in Iowa lives next to a brand new grain silo. What could happen?


Astounding. I wonder what the girl is thinking. "'Move to Iowa!' they said. 'It's safer here,' they said." "Well, if we ever find the turkey..."

How could you possibly explain this to your friends or out-of-town family coming for Thanksgiving? A grain bin fell on our house? I wonder if their grandkids would even believe this story. "We were watching TV and then a half-million bushels (17,619.5 cubic meters) of corn came into our living room, knocking our house off it's foundation and putting us in our neighbor's yard." Their progeny would think them senile.

Another Handy Google Tool

Hey there, folks! Just checking in on my blog. I have been working on some pieces, but they're not flowing out as easily as I'm used to. I'm beginning to wonder if they should even see light on my blog. Something to pray about anyway.

In the meantime, as everyone's turkeys are thawing in savory anticipation of this Thursday, I'd like to introduce a tool I just discovered today. Google Notebook seems to allow anyone with a Google account to copy snippets of text to a private data collection on the web. This is a big deal for researchers working from more than one computer. Instead of toting the data with you, why not simply log in and pull it down when you need it?

Unplanned Round Up In Utah

I can't say I blame the cows...

The Two Income Trap, Or How I Stopped Worrying And Learned to Love E-Z Credit

This is a bit dry and academic, but trust me. When it comes to your pocketbook, this is probably the most valuable hour you will ever spend. I believe we're coming to a financial crunch point and it's going to hurt.



Did you catch the part about people valuing better public school districts and how that drove up home values too high. Yes, there is such a thing as too high just like there is such a thing as too low. Spending too much on the basics is doing damage to our economy that we may now realize all too late. We need a housing market correction or our economy will bear an even bigger shock very, very soon. The best way to do that is deregulate public schools and giving parents vouchers. Unlike the guest author, I don't think that re-regulating the banks is going to help. That's tinkering too much. Undo the bankruptcy laws of 2000 and deregulate schools. That will save our bacon by bringing things down slowly. It's either that or everyone should start homeschooling.

The Yoke's On Me

It's an odd thing, really, but I find that the only time that I have the energy and a cooperative body, I need to do work that God has lined up for me to do. I never have the energy for all of my self-initiated projects, efforts and plans. It's almost as if I am being micromanaged by God. "Yes, you may do this. No, you may not do that." On the other hand, micromanagement is such a negative term for what I've found to be a truly meaningful process.

When I was fresh out of high school, I started attending a small congregation with Karen, who was then my girlfriend. The church was pastored by Fred Wright, a very good teacher. One of his most memorable sermons had to do with the passage in Matthew 11 where Jesus said,

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Pastor Wright had brought a yoke, which most people have never seen in person before. A yoke is a long, heavy beam designed to lay across the necks of two oxen or other beasts of burden. Two U-shaped brackets are put under the necks and locked into place. Both animals are forced to walk at the pace of the other. Otherwise the yoke twists their necks, causing significant pain for both. An ill-fitting yoke would cause blisters and make the animal useless. So when Jesus said for us to take His yoke, he meant for us to be fastened to him, side by side, moving together. He goes further to correct what most farmers would have thought about yokes by saying that his is easy and light. It was no small deal for oxen to take a load across the neck and pull against it. Most religions I have seen traffic in heavy burdens, all except biblical Christianity.

On one hand, I can look at my situation and say "I'm screwed!" I could say it the old way, "Woe is me!" I've been on that road, and it doesn't lead anywhere I want to go. On the other hand, I could look over at Jesus and do what He's doing. He gets the glory, and I learn how to walk with God in my heart. That’s my hope, my one true way and the only chance for my survival. He came that I could have life, and have it to the hilt. I find it by walking with Him, not wandering project to project. When I die, I don’t want people to say, “Boy, that Steve sure worked hard and got a lot of stuff done!” I want them to say, “He loved his God, his bride and his family, and he loved them well.”

Halo 3 and Youth Group - A Toxic Mix?

When I was growing up, video games were more or less a novelty. Pac-Man, at right, made a lot of money in the arcades, mostly in quarters (remember cash?), but no one really considered a home gaming market, mostly because the technology didn't exist. Today, a wildly popular game such as Halo 3 grosses $170,000,000 in the first week of sales, out-pacing the figures for Harry Potter books and film releases. It is cultural currency of the highest order. It's also rated M for mature by ESRB, and with good reason. According to the experts, it's a violent, gory first-person shooter.

This game is a boon to anyone looking to train skilled commandos willing to dispatch their targets with extreme prejudice. It's not so helpful for parents who are trying to raise normal, healthy human beings. What's even more troubling is the fact that some churches are incorporating this game into their youth activities. I realize that some times that youth leaders are using some unusual tactics to build community with the kids, but some ideas are not worth pursuing, like bobbing for goldfish (wasn't that an old frat trick?). I have to wonder at the wisdom of incorporating WWJBA? into any program (What Would Jesus Blow Away?). Whose decision is it to expose any child to the violent imagry in this game?

If the questions thrown at youth ministry seem unfair, you should probably know that I was a youth leader for a few long years, meeting success and failure week in, week out. What I didn't realize until long after my work with youth was over was that Sunday School and youth programs started off not to minister to the youth of the church, but as an outreach effort to bring in new believers at young ages. It was an overt, deliberate attempt to bring about child evangelism. No wonder it's doing a poor job raising our children! When I was serving as a youth leader, I had a dramatic insight as to why youth ministry is so tough today. Parents, nominal pillars of the church community, would foist their kids on me and directly or indirectly say, "Here you go. Teach them about God." How is any youth group leader going to undo in 2 hours what the teen has been up to the other 164 hours that week? Parents are the rank and file defenders of their children, something most parents seem to have forgotten or summarily abandoned. Any youth or children's pastor needs to focus on child evangelism and parents need to lead their children into the deeeper waters of biblical Christianity, not abandoning them to a youth leader.

In the case of Halo 3, I find myself agreeing strongly with Paul Asay of Plugged In Online. I have a hard time convincing myself that it's a valid tool. There's a reason M ratings are handed out and parents of teens, Christian or secular, would find their parental rights undermined by the church leaders in such a tactical blunder. Sorry, but Halo 3 should be dropped like a sack of potatos for use in Christian youth evangelism or any youth program.

Why Renegade Teachers Kidnap Their Students - A Social Reckoning

I think I'm beginning to understand what's going on here. As most homeschooling parents know, teaching fosters a sense of intimacy. For a lot of professional teachers, they keep it cool by distancing themselves from their students or putting it in a pseudo-parental relational context. Unfortunately, there's a lot of folks out there that mistake these feelings of intimacy for love and it manifests itself in an adult relationship with a non-adult student. The teacher is unable to distinguish these feelings from real love, a commitment to the better good of the beloved, and makes choices that give them short term gratification while bringing the long-term destruction that no sensible person would choose.

What continues to bother me is the alarming frequency of these incidents showing up in the news. I suspect that many more of these incidents go unreported or under-reported. My heart questions why our society places adults in a non-familial role that produces such strong feelings of intimacy in the first place. I don't want to hit this too hard, but the Bible instructs parents, not teachers, to teach their children. Although most parents won't admit to as much, I believe that when we drop off our kids at church or at school, we are rolling the dice and hoping our children won't be exposed to this abuse. We're better off keeping them with us at both places. Putting parents back in the classroom is a good start. Keeping the kids with us at home is better.

On a related note, Tia Linscheid blogs on Home Where They Belong about what else students are being asked to keep from their parents.

My Bio

Here's a little bit about me, in case you're wondering.

I am 6 foot even (usually) and I battle my weight a lot. I'm currently near my maximum of 370 lbs. although a lot of that is left over from my body building days in high school. So I don't look that heavy, but I sure do feel it. Please don't recommend a diet because I can't lose weight if I'm not able to exercise that much. Has my weight contributed to my disability? Absolutely, but it's hard to know which was the precipitating factor, the cause for the other.

Ok so far? All right. I was born in Colorado and first lived on a mountain pass west of Denver. I don't remember a whole lot, except being told I couldn't go outside to play because there were bears in our yard. Another unwelcome guest at this same house was the lightning. Two houses I have lived in have been struck by lightning, but the one on the pass was struck multiple times, usually taking it through my mom's stainless steel kitchen sink, although we had ball lightning a couple of times according to my dad. My dad calls me Sparky because of my tendency to find thunderstorms in the mountains.

Education was difficult for me. I was "gifted and talented," although they never clarified which of the two I belonged to. I went to public and private schools. I've tested above average on raw intelligence--this doesn't mean I'm wise--and I was diagnosed with what came to be known as ADHD. These factors practically guaranteed that I would not fit in with the crowd and when you go to a private school with only one or two cliques, this means you're alone in your outsider's world. Rejection stinks, and it was one of my motivating factors in deciding to homeschool my children. College was better both academically and socially, but I ran out of money before I was able to complete my degree. Based on my experience, I don't recommend college for anyone until they are sure they know what they want to do for the rest of their lives.

I've made a lot of mistakes in life but here's what I consider my biggest that if I had it to do over again, I would. I started dating girls around age 13. I broke a lot of hearts and had my heart broken a lot in those next five years. I got emotionally and physically involved where I had no right. This isn't a recrimination on any of the girls I dated. I simply should have not been in those relationships in the way I was involved and I often wonder if I made any positive contribution to any of them. I probably did, but it's hard to see it looking back.

God is amazing, and he allowed me to start over. I realized my mistake and repented, promising myself I would let God direct me to my wife when He judged I was ready. A few months later, I found myself falling in love with my friend and future wife, Karen. We were engaged far too long, but even then, God helped us and kept us from messing things up. Our wedding was a simple, church ceremony by our pastor and God was a big part of the ceremony. Our honeymoon was in Silver Creek, a beautiful, smaller ski resort.

Making the adjustment to married life is never very easy, but we made a good decision in getting good counseling before getting married that saved us a lot of grief. We found ourselves being drawn to youth ministry and that defined our role in our church for years.

Eight months after our wedding, I was involved in a car accident that didn't seem too terrible, but it was the pebbles that started the avalanche towards my disability. I rear-ended another car and found myself folded around the shoulder strap of my seatbelt. The injury to my throacic part of my spine was treated, but it never really healed. In five years, I made a career migration to an office job that was less demanding and allowed me to earn more. I ended up working for ministries based in Colorado. That's what I did for a day job, but my wife and I began to find ourselves moving from youth ministry toward young marrieds and families.

Our family began growing in 1996 with the birth of our first daughter and grew again in 1999 with our first son. Our introduction to parenthood was traumatic with our daughter requiring a crash C-section and cardiac surgery 40 hours afterward. God was amazing and walked us through the first days and years of parenting.

My wife and I first began feeling our long-term calling in our first year of marriage, but it didn't really hit home until our realization that we were burning out on youth ministry. We took a very low cost retreat and it had a deep impact in our lives on all levels. We began to see that performing as servants of God is a distant second to being His children and that we needed to plug into God as the source of our strength instead of relying on ourselves. The retreat was a key moment in our lives where God allowed us to reconnect with Him and with each other.

Our vision now is to see God use this in more people's lives, especially those who are in ministry themselves and needing to make adjustments. We believe that despite my limitations, God can do great things in us. We are eager for what he wants to do in us and through us.