I have been laid off as of the first of this month and for the last few days, I've been doing some real soul searching. My wife usually lets me process stuff like this on my own, but by yesterday, it appeared that I was stuck. And I was stuck. What's worse, the enemy was taking pot shots at me and my heart. That's the worst, because recovering your heart is nearly impossible in those situations.
Being stuck is no fun. You don't have an answer and the longer you go, the uglier it gets. At issue was my role as a provider. For so long, my love as a father and husband has been expressed in that. Since my disability, it's been difficult, no... next to impossible to find ways to do this. It's not like I have the option to grind my way through 40 hours a week. I tried that and my body gives out on me. I need more than just the weekend to recover and employers don't like paying you a 40 hours-a-week salary for less than 40 hours of work, sometimes a lot less than 40 hours.
This fatherly need to provide for my family doesn't diminish even though my ability to do so has diminished. I can't stop providing for my family because I have this inner drive to do so that is as real as a mother's need to nurture and care for the daily needs of her children. It's real and I can't stop it from deeply affecting me when it is denied or squelched in some way.
My wife and I finally connected yesterday, which was overdue, way overdue. It's amazing how much of life's activities two people can share without talking about what really matters. The ingredients are two people and a quiet room, and we had the two people, but the quiet room took a while to get. When we did, we undid the lies the enemy had been slinging at me like drinks at a bar. It essentially came down to who my hope was in. My hope could not be in myself or my abilities. My hope couldn't be in a system that man created. My hope had to be in God and His plan for me. That's the "head" part; like I said before, the heart was much more involved and God took me and gently worked on me yesterday. The cynicism, the darkness, the anger built up out of frustration, and the poison malaise of indifference all had to go. I was getting hung up on the meaninglessness in life (Ecclesiastes, anyone?), and that's something only God can fix. He welcomed me into His arms and He held me while He worked on my heart. His love and grace for me through Jesus knows no bounds!
Today, I feel empty, but it's a good empty, like a blank sheet of paper ready to be filled up with drawings, musings, or folded into a wonderful paper airplane that soars across the room. I don't know what's next. I know my desire to provide is a good one and it has to be accommodated somehow. I know that I love to write, communicating God's love and spiritual truth. Beyond that, I'm ready for God to use me. My prayer is that He lets me do what I enjoy. Please pray for vision and clarity for me, if you think of it.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Successful Fatherhood Is Not What You Think
I'm getting ready for CHEC for the next three days, but before I get so motivated my socks pop off, I want to nail something down first.
Todd Wilson is a wonderful dad and support to homeschoolers everywhere. I've pushed him on this blog many times. Today he sent out a Familyman e-mail to his list. A key portion says,
While Christ helps us be better fathers, the goal of Christianity is not to be the best parent in the world. We can't soldier on endlessly like thirsty men looking for an oasis. There comes a time when you can't take that next step, when you can't be the father you are called to be. What happens then?
The old saying goes, "God never gives us more than we can handle." I've even said it, like recently. But it's wrong! If it were true, how would we ever turn to God for help? He should--and does--give us more than we can handle. We need to find the end of ourselves so that God can be our ultimate source. We need the oasis to come to us, to offer us hope and aid in our fight. God must be that source. Our wives and families can't provide what we need. Our other relationships can't help either. The one place we can go is the one place we must go. We have a spirit of sonsWhile Christ helps us be better fathers, the goal of Christianity is not to be the best parent in the world. We can't soldier on endlessly like thirsty men looking for an oasis. There comes a time when you can't take that next step, when you can't be the father you are called to be. What happens then?hip by which we cry "Abba! Father! Daddy!"
How much of American Christianity is infused with the Invictus Success Syndrome? It's the version of Christianity that shows up in 30-minute, pyramid-shaped infomercials on some cable channel late at night. It's the one where you try harder and pursue success as an American dad. You are the captain of the ship and if you're exhausted and not successful, you're doing something wrong. I'm sorry, Todd, but how many men left that meeting nodding their heads at the failures they feel they've become?
Why not let God define what a successful father looks like? Instead of soldiering on, we should surrender all to His vision for us. Instead of getting back in there, we need to get back to Abba and let Him love us so that we can love them. By reaching out to the Father, we find that He is there supporting us, giving us what we need, so we can give them what they need. When we are confronted by the things we can't control, like the hearts and minds of our children, we need to know that God's grace is sufficient for us, because His power is made perfect in our weakness.
Todd Wilson is a wonderful dad and support to homeschoolers everywhere. I've pushed him on this blog many times. Today he sent out a Familyman e-mail to his list. A key portion says,
As I talked with [a group of dads] about their teenagers who were giving them fits, their wives who didn’t seem to think like them, and the deceptively deadly pull of success that beckons to them everyday, I saw tiredness in their eyes and heard emotion in their voices.Normally, I can't shut up about how good Todd is, but this time, I think he's missed the mark.
I listened to them and nodded in understanding until they finished. Then in a gentle but firm voice I said, “Man, I know exactly how you feel, but...you ‘da dad. You may feel like giving up, but your family is counting on you. You can’t give up on them. Get back in there, because although they may say harsh things...they still need you.”
They sighed, stiffened their chins in determination, and nodded in agreement. “You’re right, Todd,” they said. “Thanks for the reminder.” And then they walked away, ready to give it another shot.
While Christ helps us be better fathers, the goal of Christianity is not to be the best parent in the world. We can't soldier on endlessly like thirsty men looking for an oasis. There comes a time when you can't take that next step, when you can't be the father you are called to be. What happens then?
The old saying goes, "God never gives us more than we can handle." I've even said it, like recently. But it's wrong! If it were true, how would we ever turn to God for help? He should--and does--give us more than we can handle. We need to find the end of ourselves so that God can be our ultimate source. We need the oasis to come to us, to offer us hope and aid in our fight. God must be that source. Our wives and families can't provide what we need. Our other relationships can't help either. The one place we can go is the one place we must go. We have a spirit of sonsWhile Christ helps us be better fathers, the goal of Christianity is not to be the best parent in the world. We can't soldier on endlessly like thirsty men looking for an oasis. There comes a time when you can't take that next step, when you can't be the father you are called to be. What happens then?hip by which we cry "Abba! Father! Daddy!"
How much of American Christianity is infused with the Invictus Success Syndrome? It's the version of Christianity that shows up in 30-minute, pyramid-shaped infomercials on some cable channel late at night. It's the one where you try harder and pursue success as an American dad. You are the captain of the ship and if you're exhausted and not successful, you're doing something wrong. I'm sorry, Todd, but how many men left that meeting nodding their heads at the failures they feel they've become?
Why not let God define what a successful father looks like? Instead of soldiering on, we should surrender all to His vision for us. Instead of getting back in there, we need to get back to Abba and let Him love us so that we can love them. By reaching out to the Father, we find that He is there supporting us, giving us what we need, so we can give them what they need. When we are confronted by the things we can't control, like the hearts and minds of our children, we need to know that God's grace is sufficient for us, because His power is made perfect in our weakness.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Peace A Casualty Of Conscience
One of my peers once said that there is no creature on the planet that is more miserable, angry, or disconsolate than a Christian who has violated their conscience. I can't help but agree. All day long, I've been agitated, upset and inconsolable. Nothing has brought me the peace I normally have. Why? What did I do?
I borrowed a game.
That's right. Horror of horrors, I asked a friend if I could borrow a game, he agreed, and I took it home last night. The game is a spoof on adventure games and it's hilarious, but it's also full of raunch, double-meanings, and dark humor.
Only last week, I felt the Holy Spirit rebuke me for indulging the darker side of my humor, which is two steps removed from cynicism, anarchy and despair. It's the kind of humor that surfaces in the joke that goes, "When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers." Dark humor is like pepper or spice. A little bit adds flavor and dimension to life. Any more of it overpowers everything it touches.
The double-meanings and the raunchy stuff adds fuel to the fire. I try to ignore the stuff and just move on with the game, but that's like trying to ignore a big, flashing neon sign. I'm not fooling anyone but myself if I play the game and think it can't touch me. The worst part is trying to hide it from my son. If I'm keeping secrets like that from anyone in my family, something's wrong. Worse, young eyes see and hear more than we realize. Nope, that game's going back to it's owner and my son is getting an apology from me. I'm trusting he will learn not just from my successes, but also my failures.
Already, my peace is returning.
I borrowed a game.
That's right. Horror of horrors, I asked a friend if I could borrow a game, he agreed, and I took it home last night. The game is a spoof on adventure games and it's hilarious, but it's also full of raunch, double-meanings, and dark humor.
Only last week, I felt the Holy Spirit rebuke me for indulging the darker side of my humor, which is two steps removed from cynicism, anarchy and despair. It's the kind of humor that surfaces in the joke that goes, "When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers." Dark humor is like pepper or spice. A little bit adds flavor and dimension to life. Any more of it overpowers everything it touches.
The double-meanings and the raunchy stuff adds fuel to the fire. I try to ignore the stuff and just move on with the game, but that's like trying to ignore a big, flashing neon sign. I'm not fooling anyone but myself if I play the game and think it can't touch me. The worst part is trying to hide it from my son. If I'm keeping secrets like that from anyone in my family, something's wrong. Worse, young eyes see and hear more than we realize. Nope, that game's going back to it's owner and my son is getting an apology from me. I'm trusting he will learn not just from my successes, but also my failures.
Already, my peace is returning.
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