I have been laid off as of the first of this month and for the last few days, I've been doing some real soul searching. My wife usually lets me process stuff like this on my own, but by yesterday, it appeared that I was stuck. And I was stuck. What's worse, the enemy was taking pot shots at me and my heart. That's the worst, because recovering your heart is nearly impossible in those situations.
Being stuck is no fun. You don't have an answer and the longer you go, the uglier it gets. At issue was my role as a provider. For so long, my love as a father and husband has been expressed in that. Since my disability, it's been difficult, no... next to impossible to find ways to do this. It's not like I have the option to grind my way through 40 hours a week. I tried that and my body gives out on me. I need more than just the weekend to recover and employers don't like paying you a 40 hours-a-week salary for less than 40 hours of work, sometimes a lot less than 40 hours.
This fatherly need to provide for my family doesn't diminish even though my ability to do so has diminished. I can't stop providing for my family because I have this inner drive to do so that is as real as a mother's need to nurture and care for the daily needs of her children. It's real and I can't stop it from deeply affecting me when it is denied or squelched in some way.
My wife and I finally connected yesterday, which was overdue, way overdue. It's amazing how much of life's activities two people can share without talking about what really matters. The ingredients are two people and a quiet room, and we had the two people, but the quiet room took a while to get. When we did, we undid the lies the enemy had been slinging at me like drinks at a bar. It essentially came down to who my hope was in. My hope could not be in myself or my abilities. My hope couldn't be in a system that man created. My hope had to be in God and His plan for me. That's the "head" part; like I said before, the heart was much more involved and God took me and gently worked on me yesterday. The cynicism, the darkness, the anger built up out of frustration, and the poison malaise of indifference all had to go. I was getting hung up on the meaninglessness in life (Ecclesiastes, anyone?), and that's something only God can fix. He welcomed me into His arms and He held me while He worked on my heart. His love and grace for me through Jesus knows no bounds!
Today, I feel empty, but it's a good empty, like a blank sheet of paper ready to be filled up with drawings, musings, or folded into a wonderful paper airplane that soars across the room. I don't know what's next. I know my desire to provide is a good one and it has to be accommodated somehow. I know that I love to write, communicating God's love and spiritual truth. Beyond that, I'm ready for God to use me. My prayer is that He lets me do what I enjoy. Please pray for vision and clarity for me, if you think of it.
2 comments:
Praying for you and your family, Steve. What a blessing to communicate with your wife and stand together!
And for what it's worth, the first time I ever saw my dad cry was when he sat us 5 kids down and told us he lost his job. But that turned out to be the biggest blessing with a better job and pay down the road.
God does have a plan for you and when He throws such a big, unexpected detour in your path, it is to lead you in His direction! Just stick with the Lord who cares for you and He will guide you to where you need to go.
I'm sorry you have to go through this trial. But there can be great blessings in trials, my friend.
dude,
i'm praying for you man. i also recently got laid off, kinda. it's a little different to your situation but i am now out of a job. on top of that, i've been working close to two months without being paid. long story. suffice it to say that i understand the tension and unease that come with not having a job and being unable to provide for the family.
it's good we have wives who are ready to understand even though it's doubly frustrating for them. i pray you find the perfect job and that God leads you to higher planes of service and blessing.
His,
dan
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