Parents Provide the Patterns For Confronting Grief

This little, somewhat cute video is a reminder to me that kids process losses differently, but they take their cues from their parents. This child lost another fish the week before, so she knows some of the "customs" her father likely introduced, such as saying a few words over the departed. It's really interesting when the child and "mommy" switch places and she helps a somewhat detached parent say a few words over the fish, which are the same as what she said at the start of the video and quite possibly close to what the father likely said the week before.

Patterns and traditions help us process grief in the little losses as well as the big. Losing and grieving are part of life and pets are a way of introducing our kids not only to the responsibilities and emotions of caring for a pet, but also the natural loss and grief that will eventually come. When other, larger losses occur, we fall back on what we were taught by our parents and others around us who shared these small griefs. This can be a blessing, as in this little girl's life, or a curse of following a pattern of denial, avoidance and anger. In that case, it would be better for a person to be thrown into a patternless void where they are forced to find their own way of coping, in the hope of stumbling onto a friend or "life coach" who can help them find their way. Jesus said it this way:

[On the other hand,] if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.

We can't be perfect, but as parents, we shape the future of our children by how we live our lives, in love and hate, involvement and indifference, attention and neglect, gain and loss, gratitude and grief. Giving them healthy patterns to follow is a gift of love and hope.