Friday, May 23, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Practical Steps In Dealing With Grief
Yesterday evening, Steven Curtis Chapman and his family lost their 5 year-old daughter, Maria Sue. She was struck and killed by a car driven by one of their older children. Apparently, the teen did not see the child.
I have not lost a child, but I have lost a few friends and walked with other friends through deep grief. I don't know all there is to know about grief, nor do I have letters after my name giving me any more authority than anyone else on the subject. Yet, I have some advice for those people encountering a tragedy like this.
On Grief
Grief is not understood by most people here in America. I'm speaking of both the emotion and the people suffering from it. People don't understand it. No one wants to experience it or be around those who do, mostly because there's not much that can be done for it. That's not to say that people don't try, mind you, but nothing much can be done to help alleviate grief.
Grief is its own emotion, if not its own state of mind based on a reaction to loss. It is not just a form of severe sadness or deep depression, although both of those can result from grief. Instead, it is a profound sense of loss that overwhelms a person, affecting all facets of their life. There are not only emotional effects, but physical, psychological, and spiritual effects that ripple through the bereaved person.
Grief is not a gradual progression of steps. It's not orderly or even rational. It's a very messy, disorganized and distressing experience for those going through it. I have found myself brooding one moment, laughing in the next moment and in tears a minute or two later. It is a very rough ride, similar to riding a bull. You don't know which way you're going next, only that you feel the surge of the emotion and the power of it overrides everything else.
Tread Lightly
This "bull riding" experience is obviously very distressing, both to the person experiencing the grief and to those surrounding the person. There is a natural tendency to react to the ups-and-downs and twists-and-turns of the experience. What comes out of our mouths at these times is anything but predictable. Noone can weather such an experience with a "perfect rating." Mistakes, miscommunications, inappropriate remarks and the like are going to happen, unfortunately. However, I do have some tips on how to minimize them and tread lightly on people's hearts and minds.
Avoid attempts to normalize the experience. This is the first mistake with grief. Every grief encountered is as different as the people who experience them. Comparisons between a person's grief and another loss encountered by them or someone else is a fruitless and harmful exercise. Statements that begin with, "When your father died..." or "When I lost my..." should be treated with extreme caution. A poorly-delivered or poorly-conceived thought along these lines stings and invites a strong rebuke.
Avoid attempts to re-interpret the grief. Putting a spin on things may work in the news media but it is a fools notion to apply it to a loss. For bereaved parents, referring to a child as their "dear little angel now singing in heaven" can be disasterous, not to mention an error in most people's theology. Other words of consolation about what they still have--a spouse or a child, for example--are not helpful. They may even serve to remind a person of what they still can lose. Words of consolation should be short, brief and sincere. Statements like "I'm so sorry for your loss," or "I will be praying for you and your family," are sufficient.
Making An Offer
Often those on the outside wish there was something they could do, but offers of help should be genuine and appropriate. As innocent as the offer may seem, a friend of the opposite sex saying "call me anytime," could be poorly interpreted by anyone.
An offer of help should be tailored to the person's situation and your relative closeness to them. A practical offer aimed at making life easier, like offering and then delivering a meal in a few days, is usually helpful. An offer never made is better than one never fulfilled.
On Loss and Time
Though I'm focusing on the loss of a child, losses take all forms, and not just in death. Loss of a job, a home, a friendship, and a marriage all have unique and powerful aspects I couldn't begin to speak to. Even though I'm disabled, I have lost abilities over time and couldn't begin to fathom the grief of someone who lost abilities in a sudden accident.
Just as losses vary, so does the time and extent of a person's recovery. A parent may never "get over" losing their child, and any expectation put on them to "move on" is unfair and calloused. Even if a recovery may seem complete, the effects may linger. A few days ago, I watched a movie in which a little girl died in a car accident. I thought I would be fine with it, but as soon as the image of the dead child hit the screen, I was back in the ER looking over a friend's daughter when she had just died. I couldn't handle my reaction and I got physically sick over it. It's something I had to process and deal with the rest of that evening. I may be more sensitive than others on this, but that's just it: each person varies in their reaction and recovery. You don't really know if you've healed until you're confronted with some trigger moment, a memory, an image or even a sound. Give yourself the grace to face the grief again and mourn the loss anew. It's something your human heart just has to do.
Last Thoughts
It takes a great deal of sensitivity and courage for anyone to reach out to someone bereaved over a loss. That cannot be overstated. It is not widely recognized as a brave thing, but those who do can save a heart, if not save a life. Acts of heroism, large and small, are possible in the face of grief and sooner or later, we'll all have the opportunity.
My heart goes out to the Chapman family. It is a sudden shock to a family that I understand to be closely knit. The pain they are feeling must be profound. My prayers are for them and for the grieving parents out there who have lost their children. No parent should have to bury their children. May God give them peace that passes understanding and reaches their hearts in one of their darkest and most distressing time.
---------------------
Here's a link to Kim's post on losing a child.
I have not lost a child, but I have lost a few friends and walked with other friends through deep grief. I don't know all there is to know about grief, nor do I have letters after my name giving me any more authority than anyone else on the subject. Yet, I have some advice for those people encountering a tragedy like this.
On Grief
Grief is not understood by most people here in America. I'm speaking of both the emotion and the people suffering from it. People don't understand it. No one wants to experience it or be around those who do, mostly because there's not much that can be done for it. That's not to say that people don't try, mind you, but nothing much can be done to help alleviate grief.
Grief is its own emotion, if not its own state of mind based on a reaction to loss. It is not just a form of severe sadness or deep depression, although both of those can result from grief. Instead, it is a profound sense of loss that overwhelms a person, affecting all facets of their life. There are not only emotional effects, but physical, psychological, and spiritual effects that ripple through the bereaved person.
Grief is not a gradual progression of steps. It's not orderly or even rational. It's a very messy, disorganized and distressing experience for those going through it. I have found myself brooding one moment, laughing in the next moment and in tears a minute or two later. It is a very rough ride, similar to riding a bull. You don't know which way you're going next, only that you feel the surge of the emotion and the power of it overrides everything else.
Tread Lightly
This "bull riding" experience is obviously very distressing, both to the person experiencing the grief and to those surrounding the person. There is a natural tendency to react to the ups-and-downs and twists-and-turns of the experience. What comes out of our mouths at these times is anything but predictable. Noone can weather such an experience with a "perfect rating." Mistakes, miscommunications, inappropriate remarks and the like are going to happen, unfortunately. However, I do have some tips on how to minimize them and tread lightly on people's hearts and minds.
Avoid attempts to normalize the experience. This is the first mistake with grief. Every grief encountered is as different as the people who experience them. Comparisons between a person's grief and another loss encountered by them or someone else is a fruitless and harmful exercise. Statements that begin with, "When your father died..." or "When I lost my..." should be treated with extreme caution. A poorly-delivered or poorly-conceived thought along these lines stings and invites a strong rebuke.
Avoid attempts to re-interpret the grief. Putting a spin on things may work in the news media but it is a fools notion to apply it to a loss. For bereaved parents, referring to a child as their "dear little angel now singing in heaven" can be disasterous, not to mention an error in most people's theology. Other words of consolation about what they still have--a spouse or a child, for example--are not helpful. They may even serve to remind a person of what they still can lose. Words of consolation should be short, brief and sincere. Statements like "I'm so sorry for your loss," or "I will be praying for you and your family," are sufficient.
Making An Offer
Often those on the outside wish there was something they could do, but offers of help should be genuine and appropriate. As innocent as the offer may seem, a friend of the opposite sex saying "call me anytime," could be poorly interpreted by anyone.
An offer of help should be tailored to the person's situation and your relative closeness to them. A practical offer aimed at making life easier, like offering and then delivering a meal in a few days, is usually helpful. An offer never made is better than one never fulfilled.
On Loss and Time
Though I'm focusing on the loss of a child, losses take all forms, and not just in death. Loss of a job, a home, a friendship, and a marriage all have unique and powerful aspects I couldn't begin to speak to. Even though I'm disabled, I have lost abilities over time and couldn't begin to fathom the grief of someone who lost abilities in a sudden accident.
Just as losses vary, so does the time and extent of a person's recovery. A parent may never "get over" losing their child, and any expectation put on them to "move on" is unfair and calloused. Even if a recovery may seem complete, the effects may linger. A few days ago, I watched a movie in which a little girl died in a car accident. I thought I would be fine with it, but as soon as the image of the dead child hit the screen, I was back in the ER looking over a friend's daughter when she had just died. I couldn't handle my reaction and I got physically sick over it. It's something I had to process and deal with the rest of that evening. I may be more sensitive than others on this, but that's just it: each person varies in their reaction and recovery. You don't really know if you've healed until you're confronted with some trigger moment, a memory, an image or even a sound. Give yourself the grace to face the grief again and mourn the loss anew. It's something your human heart just has to do.
Last Thoughts
It takes a great deal of sensitivity and courage for anyone to reach out to someone bereaved over a loss. That cannot be overstated. It is not widely recognized as a brave thing, but those who do can save a heart, if not save a life. Acts of heroism, large and small, are possible in the face of grief and sooner or later, we'll all have the opportunity.
My heart goes out to the Chapman family. It is a sudden shock to a family that I understand to be closely knit. The pain they are feeling must be profound. My prayers are for them and for the grieving parents out there who have lost their children. No parent should have to bury their children. May God give them peace that passes understanding and reaches their hearts in one of their darkest and most distressing time.
---------------------
Here's a link to Kim's post on losing a child.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Further Up, Further In, Or Farther Down, Further Away
O, for a thousand tongues to sing my great Redeemer's praise. Instead, they seem to sing the praises of exposing all that is evil. Such is the case with the "Narnia and C.S. Lewis are servants of the Devil" camp. Google "Narnia witchcraft" and you'll find no shortage of web sites stating how C.S. Lewis secretly served Satan and how he desired to reintroduce Pan worship and so on. Some go so far as to include mood music and pictures from the Disney/Walden Media releases.
It would be laughable, if not for the tragedy that they're quite serious about it. I once bought into that line of thinking too, but here's what I realized: How can Satan oppose Satan? If Lewis intentionally retold the Gospel and its central theme of the redemption of mankind by God's Son, and he did, and if the readers infer the Gospel message, and they do, wouldn't that do irreparable damage to Satan's cause? If so, then Lewis opposes Satan, and these sites are doing more harm than good. "Logic. Why don't they teach logic at schools?"
It would be laughable, if not for the tragedy that they're quite serious about it. I once bought into that line of thinking too, but here's what I realized: How can Satan oppose Satan? If Lewis intentionally retold the Gospel and its central theme of the redemption of mankind by God's Son, and he did, and if the readers infer the Gospel message, and they do, wouldn't that do irreparable damage to Satan's cause? If so, then Lewis opposes Satan, and these sites are doing more harm than good. "Logic. Why don't they teach logic at schools?"
Conjuring spirits is almost as bad as conjuring up bad information on C.S. Lewis to assassinate his character or otherwise defame him. A lot of professing Christians have written or said or done a lot of un-Christian things in their lives. Does that invalidate everything associated with them? Babies and bathwater, indeed. Did Christ die for only the sins we committed before we knew him? There is no error as grievous as bad theology, but if Lewis made such mistakes, I believe we have all made them. No one has a perfect grasp of God, because no finite mind can grasp the truly infinite. Lewis, as passionate and creative as he was, his humanity was just as real as the paper he wrote on and he gets some things wrong. Does that mean that all of Narnia perishes in fire and water? I hope not. Let Lewis be human and God will be God, whether we let Him or not.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Mountain Lions
A long walk back from fishing at a reservoir in 1998 taught me something new: mountain lions don't roar, they scream. We were walking toward the dam when a unhuman, warbled scream made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. "Uh, what was that, Dad?" He told me to just keep walking. A few minutes later, the scream sounded again from further away.
"That was a mountain lion," he told me.
Earlier this spring, I had the chance to hear it again at a big cat sanctuary and it still brought a jolt of adrenaline, even with a cage and enough distance to keep me safe. It was the primal reaction to a threat that 34 years of relative safety couldn't quite smother. It makes me wonder at how this woman has not only survived but thrived after her encounter. It takes a lot of prayer and not just a little courage. I know that God is using her in a powerful way.
"That was a mountain lion," he told me.
Earlier this spring, I had the chance to hear it again at a big cat sanctuary and it still brought a jolt of adrenaline, even with a cage and enough distance to keep me safe. It was the primal reaction to a threat that 34 years of relative safety couldn't quite smother. It makes me wonder at how this woman has not only survived but thrived after her encounter. It takes a lot of prayer and not just a little courage. I know that God is using her in a powerful way.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Encouraging Defection
A lot of folks are talking about Expelled from Ben Stein. As if liberals were the only ones who could make a documentary. I haven't yet seen it, but I've followed Stein for years and I know that Bueller Bueller boy is right on course.
The frustrating thing is that the establishment will not admit Darwin's theory of macro-evolution is a bunch of hopeless fiction. They will not admit an error, for fear that the Pope will knock on their door with a writ and a warm spot by the fire picked out for them. They won't even say they don't know. Rather than admit there is a Designer, I believe that most neo-Darwinists would claim a sweater as correctly tangled yarn. Um, guys, you can come out now. It's okay to say Darwin was a little off and that Sagan seems creepy even in reruns on the Science channel. If the inquisitor of dogmatic Science taps you on the shoulder, you'll be in good company.
The frustrating thing is that the establishment will not admit Darwin's theory of macro-evolution is a bunch of hopeless fiction. They will not admit an error, for fear that the Pope will knock on their door with a writ and a warm spot by the fire picked out for them. They won't even say they don't know. Rather than admit there is a Designer, I believe that most neo-Darwinists would claim a sweater as correctly tangled yarn. Um, guys, you can come out now. It's okay to say Darwin was a little off and that Sagan seems creepy even in reruns on the Science channel. If the inquisitor of dogmatic Science taps you on the shoulder, you'll be in good company.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Who Is This 'God' Fellow, Anyway?
The nice thing about blogging is that even if you run out of things to say, life keeps happening and you can still have small thoughts about the in-between stuff.
I looked in the mirror the other day. I'm 34 years-old by the way, soon to be 35 and halfway to 70. I'm about mid-way through life, I figure, so why doesn't this mark "middle age?" Anyway, I took comfort in a small, little-known secret to happiness in the later years that you can comb your eyebrows to cover any bald spots that open up on your hair line. If you can't grow them long enough, it still might work if you transfer some hair plugs from your ears. Why they don't advertise this as an option on those hair club infomercials is a mystery to me.
I've been receiving more than the usual amount of hate mail lately. One "anonymous coward" even had the timerity to suggest that God cursed me with my disabilities because of my stance on a specific issue. Could anyone actually believe that God would be that petty or vindictive? That kind of single-issue god fits right in with those soldier funeral protestors. Oh well, I guess I'll just trust that those who seek God with all their heart will find Him. It's not up to me to fix people, just offer the truth.
I looked in the mirror the other day. I'm 34 years-old by the way, soon to be 35 and halfway to 70. I'm about mid-way through life, I figure, so why doesn't this mark "middle age?" Anyway, I took comfort in a small, little-known secret to happiness in the later years that you can comb your eyebrows to cover any bald spots that open up on your hair line. If you can't grow them long enough, it still might work if you transfer some hair plugs from your ears. Why they don't advertise this as an option on those hair club infomercials is a mystery to me.
I've been receiving more than the usual amount of hate mail lately. One "anonymous coward" even had the timerity to suggest that God cursed me with my disabilities because of my stance on a specific issue. Could anyone actually believe that God would be that petty or vindictive? That kind of single-issue god fits right in with those soldier funeral protestors. Oh well, I guess I'll just trust that those who seek God with all their heart will find Him. It's not up to me to fix people, just offer the truth.
All of this sounds ridiculously small when I consider the news that two very good missionary friends of mine unexpectedly lost their infant son last Thursday. As is the case with severe grief, they're understandably out of contact and my wife and I have knots in our guts over what they're going through. They are really neat people with a heart for God and somehow they lose their only son after three daughters. As a dad, that gets me especially. As a father, having a son is like reliving your life, exposing them to all the new and wonderful things like ice cream and football, exploring and building, and all the cool things of being a boy, including getting enough courage up to go down the really big slide at the playground. It's no longer available to my friend and I'm grieving with him. How do you even begin to grasp that kind of loss? Where do you begin to breathe again after this awful plunge? I wish I was asking these questions for the first time or even the second, but I'm not.
My niece is staying with us again. She's had the umpteenth surgery to try to save her eyesight from detached retina damage. It could be that there's just no way of keeping that from happening. She and I can kind of relate to each other in our disabilities. She has no peripheral vision now, which is really harder to cope with than you would think. People accidentally sneak up on her and startle her. They just don't think to give her a clue that they're nearby. I'm as guilty as the next person at this.
Right now, she has to keep her head at a certain angle to keep the "bubble" that doctors left in her eye at the right spot to keep the right pressure on the spot they just repaired. If I did something wrong and that brought on my disabilities, what did she do to bring on hers? It reminds me of the story about Jesus and the man who had been born blind. "Lord, who sinned, this man or his parents?" "Neither," He replied, "He was born blind so that God's glory could be revealed in him." Then Jesus healed him. God doesn't ask us if we're willing to go through the 30 years or so of total darkness for His glory. No one talks about the glorious blindness we endure until then. We focus on the "once blind but now sighted," instead of the "blind for years until Jesus came along." I guess it's a matter of perspective, so to speak, but it's not all that fun being blind, or lame. Like Job, I'm not really in a position to criticize God. He does what He wants, when He wants to, for His own reasons. He's the only One Who truly can do so, and if only for that, He deserves my worship.
Yet, this is not all. This God also sings over me, and counting my hairs, a task that's getting easier. He takes an active role in working for my good. He knows everything about me better than I know me. That the infinite God of the universe is interested in finite little me brings me comfort. I can trust Him, even when life is bitter. He knows what will be for our eternal good and gives good gifts to His children.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Good Morning, Colorado!
I set the sprinkler system to run yesterday. I shouldn't have bothered.
Ah, Colorado weather! This is the same month that has Memorial Day, right?
Ah, Colorado weather! This is the same month that has Memorial Day, right?
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