Yesterday evening, Steven Curtis Chapman and his family lost their 5 year-old daughter, Maria Sue. She was struck and killed by a car driven by one of their older children. Apparently, the teen did not see the child.
I have not lost a child, but I have lost a few friends and walked with other friends through deep grief. I don't know all there is to know about grief, nor do I have letters after my name giving me any more authority than anyone else on the subject. Yet, I have some advice for those people encountering a tragedy like this.
On Grief
Grief is not understood by most people here in America. I'm speaking of both the emotion and the people suffering from it. People don't understand it. No one wants to experience it or be around those who do, mostly because there's not much that can be done for it. That's not to say that people don't try, mind you, but nothing much can be done to help alleviate grief.
Grief is its own emotion, if not its own state of mind based on a reaction to loss. It is not just a form of severe sadness or deep depression, although both of those can result from grief. Instead, it is a profound sense of loss that overwhelms a person, affecting all facets of their life. There are not only emotional effects, but physical, psychological, and spiritual effects that ripple through the bereaved person.
Grief is not a gradual progression of steps. It's not orderly or even rational. It's a very messy, disorganized and distressing experience for those going through it. I have found myself brooding one moment, laughing in the next moment and in tears a minute or two later. It is a very rough ride, similar to riding a bull. You don't know which way you're going next, only that you feel the surge of the emotion and the power of it overrides everything else.
Tread Lightly
This "bull riding" experience is obviously very distressing, both to the person experiencing the grief and to those surrounding the person. There is a natural tendency to react to the ups-and-downs and twists-and-turns of the experience. What comes out of our mouths at these times is anything but predictable. Noone can weather such an experience with a "perfect rating." Mistakes, miscommunications, inappropriate remarks and the like are going to happen, unfortunately. However, I do have some tips on how to minimize them and tread lightly on people's hearts and minds.
Avoid attempts to normalize the experience. This is the first mistake with grief. Every grief encountered is as different as the people who experience them. Comparisons between a person's grief and another loss encountered by them or someone else is a fruitless and harmful exercise. Statements that begin with, "When your father died..." or "When I lost my..." should be treated with extreme caution. A poorly-delivered or poorly-conceived thought along these lines stings and invites a strong rebuke.
Avoid attempts to re-interpret the grief. Putting a spin on things may work in the news media but it is a fools notion to apply it to a loss. For bereaved parents, referring to a child as their "dear little angel now singing in heaven" can be disasterous, not to mention an error in most people's theology. Other words of consolation about what they still have--a spouse or a child, for example--are not helpful. They may even serve to remind a person of what they still can lose. Words of consolation should be short, brief and sincere. Statements like "I'm so sorry for your loss," or "I will be praying for you and your family," are sufficient.
Making An Offer
Often those on the outside wish there was something they could do, but offers of help should be genuine and appropriate. As innocent as the offer may seem, a friend of the opposite sex saying "call me anytime," could be poorly interpreted by anyone.
An offer of help should be tailored to the person's situation and your relative closeness to them. A practical offer aimed at making life easier, like offering and then delivering a meal in a few days, is usually helpful. An offer never made is better than one never fulfilled.
On Loss and Time
Though I'm focusing on the loss of a child, losses take all forms, and not just in death. Loss of a job, a home, a friendship, and a marriage all have unique and powerful aspects I couldn't begin to speak to. Even though I'm disabled, I have lost abilities over time and couldn't begin to fathom the grief of someone who lost abilities in a sudden accident.
Just as losses vary, so does the time and extent of a person's recovery. A parent may never "get over" losing their child, and any expectation put on them to "move on" is unfair and calloused. Even if a recovery may seem complete, the effects may linger. A few days ago, I watched a movie in which a little girl died in a car accident. I thought I would be fine with it, but as soon as the image of the dead child hit the screen, I was back in the ER looking over a friend's daughter when she had just died. I couldn't handle my reaction and I got physically sick over it. It's something I had to process and deal with the rest of that evening. I may be more sensitive than others on this, but that's just it: each person varies in their reaction and recovery. You don't really know if you've healed until you're confronted with some trigger moment, a memory, an image or even a sound. Give yourself the grace to face the grief again and mourn the loss anew. It's something your human heart just has to do.
Last Thoughts
It takes a great deal of sensitivity and courage for anyone to reach out to someone bereaved over a loss. That cannot be overstated. It is not widely recognized as a brave thing, but those who do can save a heart, if not save a life. Acts of heroism, large and small, are possible in the face of grief and sooner or later, we'll all have the opportunity.
My heart goes out to the Chapman family. It is a sudden shock to a family that I understand to be closely knit. The pain they are feeling must be profound. My prayers are for them and for the grieving parents out there who have lost their children. No parent should have to bury their children. May God give them peace that passes understanding and reaches their hearts in one of their darkest and most distressing time.
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Here's a link to Kim's post on losing a child.
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