The Heart Of A Young Man

My head is full of things tonight. I am under a week away from an appointment that will have significant bearing on aspects about my future, yet I find myself spending less and less time thinking about it. Instead, I find it preoccupied with how marvelous a family I have. My children are amazing. I couldn't have picked better kids if I had the choice and knew exactly what was in each of their hearts. I don't want to gush sentimentality all over, but they each bring me a unique joy and happiness I've never thought possible.


When I was a kid, I used to wonder if my parents ever knew what bad thoughts I had or how, when I misbehaved, they weren't getting all of what I had done or all that I had wanted to do. I had some real battles in my mind and heart, especially given the way my sensitive heart seethed after it had been wounded. There was no justification for the poor choices and actions I took, but I took them. So now, when I look at my own kids and the battles they face, I know that I'm not hearing all that they're dealing with, all that they're really thinking. I do want them to know that I'm willing to hear it. Because I have a human heart too, and it's spent 36 orbits around the Son coming to realize that, maybe my parents knew then what I know now. I still think, even if my kids battle demons twice as big, that I've got the most wonderful children I could ever imagine.

It's also something to ponder that 19 years ago, my mind was swirling with thoughts like,

"Why'd I do that?"

 and...

"I didn't mean to do that."

and even,

"God, did You do that?"

"That" was what I had just spent the previous four months refraining from. Yet there we were, that night in May 1991, where there were a million beautiful stars called to witness the moment where God took a young man's heart and began to weave it together with a young woman's heart. And I walked gently and fearfully where only a year before I would have casually strolled through. God had changed my heart. I no longer wished to gamble that I had found the one. After one more broken heart, I had refused to roll the dice anymore and I had told God that I was done dating and I wanted Him to lead me to my future wife when I was ready for her.

I never had expected Him to work so quickly! I figured a year of penitence and steadfast prayer would be a start to make amends. No, in His grace and compassion, He had been waiting for me--me!--to turn the reins over to Him. So, with the stars and the moonlight, looking up at the cliffs, I'm not really sure how our hands ended up together, unknown to our other companion. I'm only very glad they did. And from that time to this, He's been the one in the driver's seat.