Failing Into the Kingdom

Being a kid with unusual sensitivity and creativity was a sure-fire recipe for disaster back in the 1980s classroom. Combine that with a learning disability and even the nicest set of boys and girls can turn hostile. Coming around to Facebook and renewing friendships from that era has taught me that most people learn more grace and accommodation as they age. I'm relieved that old injuries heal with time, and most importantly, that God can heal the most stubborn wounds with time and prayer.

Yet, perhaps the worst enemy we face growing up and into our adult lives is our own flesh. Our natural desires to protect ourselves, become independent and control your environment were cultivated in that same 1980s classroom. Those desires can be a true liability when our lives get turned upside down. Can I truly protect my family? Can I control what happens to them, or to me? Can I maintain my independence when pain robs me of the ability to walk, stand or even wash my hair?

Yes, I can't wash my hair without causing my shoulders and back to flare up with arthritic inflammation. And Fibromyalgia just loooooves that inflammation! It was so hard to ask for help with that. In fact, when it came down to it last week, I couldn't. I actually found myself protesting, "No, let me do that. You don't have..." Then I found my heart asking, "Then who's going to do it? You?" And that's where I found myself, quietly crying while my wife washed my hair. It was a picture of God's grace that was itself almost too much to bear.

It's hard to ask for help. Yet God isn't calling me to protect myself, become independent and control my environment. In fact, it seems that the enemy of my soul is the one voicing those thoughts of protection, independence and control. If I were in that mindset, I would have been absolutely beside myself with our car situation today. With one dead and one fainting at the sight of a ignition key, it's called for prayer, grace, and trust. Sure enough, God comes through with a loaner vehicle, help from a stranger, and a part cheaper than we expected.

How can I impugn a holy and righteous God who never fails? It seems that in all things, He wants to grow us in prayer, grace and trust. even when we grew up thinking that such things were for the desperate. Maybe that's why God has to make us desperate in the first place. Maybe He wants to show us a life far better than we could make it.

Letting God Work, Even In Loss

I posted this comment to my friend Marsha's blog called Other Such Happenings in response to her post, "They didn't know him..."

Dear Marsha,

Great point, and one we need to let the Holy Spirit work into each of us to let him speak through us to those who don't know Jesus personally. Let me comment on one part you brought up. 

I believe that your "non-reaction" to mentioning Christian isn't an indication that you love him any less or that you have gotten over the loss. I think it's just an indicator that the pressure exerted on your heart by the loss has been accommodated. It just happens. The wound is not fully healed--nor can we expect it to be in this life--and your priorities and desires have not changed. But you have changed in order to fit this very uncomfortable fact into your existence.

Let the Creator of your heart help you see what's happening and what to make of it. I think there's some comfort in knowing that He's working in you and your heart is being changed daily by his care.

I don't dare compare our griefs, but I do know that loss is painful. I know looking at what I've lost in my abilities is hard. I don't want to accept certain facts, but I know that He has seen this from the beginning and He is authoring in me a new chapter full of his miracles, big and small, and his beautiful redemption and ultimate triumph. Letting Him have mastery over my heart and mind is my challenge. Letting deprivation, pressure, stress, joy, hope, and living desire shape them without losing sight of His love is the essence of my life in Him. Comfortable? No. Needed? Yes.

Can I accept this? Do I have to do it? Only if I want to reach the prize He has for me in the end. For that reason, I subject myself fully to His will, whatever the cost. Can I endure this? Only He would know. But I want that prize. I hunger for it constantly.

Thank you, Marsha, for giving us a window into your grief and the process of moving through it. You are His daughter. I can see it. ;)

Steve

It's very difficult to accept loss. My gradual loss of abilities is something I've had to confront the last five years and try to accommodate in my life and my desires. For a guy who once played midfield for his high school soccer team, climbed the heights of Colorado's mountains, and fully engaged life as it came, I live a humble, inactive, estranged life that grinds me up sometimes. I feel very understanding of the author of Psalm 38 with the maladies he describes, and, just like him, I look to God for my deliverance, whether today or when I come into my inheritance. He will be with me through all of this, and in the end, I will have Him! I look forward to that day soon!



PS: Here's some good reading (NIV) (MSG). It's one of my favorite chapters.

Grumble, Grumble, Toil and Trouble

Let's see.

We have one vehicle, namely the van used to carry my wheelchair, down for repairs after it died just before entering the Eisenhower Tunnel (CDOT, Wikipedia). The hills approaching both ends of this tunnel have killed more vehicles than I care to count! Currently, our beloved van sits outside my house while we mull repair versus replacement. Repair is winning, but the price of $4,500.00 is just a bit outside our comfort zone. Anyone got a Chevy 350 small block in their pocket?

The Power of the Pen

It's another night, another weird day in Fibromyalgia. After sleeping through dinner, I went upstairs to sleep in earnest. I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I figured I'd make the best of it. When my wife came to check on me, I had lower back pain that wouldn't go away. I tried massage, I tried stretching, and I tried different towel rolls. Nothing would make it go away enough for me to sleep through until morning. Sitting up somehow makes the pain go away.

Sleep Study Yields Interesting Results

I went in for a sleep study last night. I was a first-time, never-ever sleep studier ...student ...person. I had read up on how they wired a person up like a telephone exchange, so I was prepared for that. I was pleasantly surprised that I had access to Discovery channel, so I watched some Deadliest Catch, a small luxury since we unplugged cable at home. What I dreaded was the effort it took for me to fall asleep on demand, and believe me, it's no small effort for me. I couldn't make it. I felt like I was doing the stuck-in-an-airport doze. No matter what I tried, something would bring me out of it. A noise. An itch. A snore.

Joni Faces A New Test of Faith

This stings a bit. Joni, a woman God has used to be a voice for Christians living with disabilities, has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Please pray for her, her husband Ken Tada, and her ministry. Her video message is at Joni's Corner.

Fatherly Priorities From Early Life

I happened across a good quote today.

"I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich."  - Dan Wilcox 

Before I became a father, before I married my wife, I knew what I wanted. I wanted a loving, kind wife and mother of my children who would love them as much as I would. I wanted a home where we would eat dinner together most every night. I wanted one where we loved each other, and told each other as much, as often as we could stand. I don't mean the "Love ya!" belted out as one leaves for an activity. I mean holding your beloved in an embrace, looking them full in the face, and saying "I love you very much!" I want a family that remembers with fondness all the time we spent with each other. I believe that this is what helps a family grow and produce stable, kind, engaging citizens who have the strength to help others.

My wife, thankfully, was of the same mind and as we've lived, we've made choices in line with that. We saw the busy lives of people who were chasing their tails, trying to have it all. Even if they could have it all--and they couldn't--how could they enjoy it?

To this day, I haven't regretted having set that priority.

Life Around the House

Despite all that we do to keep life simple, sometimes life gets busy and things can't (or won't) slow down. It's been that way since early May. Because of my disability, my family has undertaken a new business. A lot of it involves using our home, and we needed a lot of renovation to make it suitable. We had no way to make the renovations, however. Money was not just tight, it was literally non-existent. Thankfully, an anonymous donor (we have a lot of those, lately!) stepped forward and not only paid for the material, but they brought in friends to help with the renovations! Now we're set up and open for business. All we need now are a few clients.

Memorial Day and graduations filled up late May and early June. Allergies make life fun this time of year. Plus, we've been working on solving a leaky sprinkler system, which is no mean feat when you're living on a shoestring budget with a disability. Old faithful springing up in your yard is never good, especially when you're trying to keep a lawn from dying in the hottest June on record. Thankfully, we have very qualified help who loves my wife's cooking better than his own--cooking, that is!

Speaking of fixing leaks, Wednesday morning, my wife was in the garage when she saw a few drips hanging around, literally. We had a leak inside the house too! A helpful friend, two plumbers and nearly $100 later, we managed to find it. Of course, Farmers insurance company doesn't cover this sort of thing, despite the promise that they would. The fix is not inside a wall like we feared, but it means we can't use a bathroom for at least a few weeks. What fun!

Nonetheless, we're okay, and God continues to watch over us! Thanks for reading, and Happy Father's Day!

The Heart Of A Young Man

My head is full of things tonight. I am under a week away from an appointment that will have significant bearing on aspects about my future, yet I find myself spending less and less time thinking about it. Instead, I find it preoccupied with how marvelous a family I have. My children are amazing. I couldn't have picked better kids if I had the choice and knew exactly what was in each of their hearts. I don't want to gush sentimentality all over, but they each bring me a unique joy and happiness I've never thought possible.

A New Look

After staring at the same layout for so very long, I'm grateful that Blogger has been expanding it's resources a bit and now it feels a bit better. Ever since I was young, I've loved lions and I wanted to keep with it, just change it a bit. So how does it look? For the next month or so, I'll have a poll up here on my blog asking what you think, so let me know! I'll be adding information and more features as time goes on. Thanks for reading!