A Battle Of Wills

Sometimes the older I get, the simpler my problems become. I set my eyes on some worthy thing, some tantalizing goal, and all my heart is set upon it. In nearly every case, I have found that it is folly to chase after it. It seems as if God himself is bent against me attaining or obtaining what I desire. The frustrating part, of course, is that I asked God to do it. I asked God to do it when I told him that I wanted his will for my life. Isn’t that insane? But it’s true! I can’t help it. Something inside me desires to see God’s will manifest in my life.

The problem is, I don’t know when I’m placing my own will above God’s. My own will slips into the driver’s seat of my life and suddenly I’m out of control. I’m about to "Kato"* and God is nowhere to be seen. At least, that used to be the case. God seems to have moved me from the freeway to the Disneyland Autopia, where the worst that can happen is a bumper thumper. It seems it’s easier to hear his Holy Spirit as well. And if there’s hope for me…

Tonight, my wife and I were talking about whether I should go to Denver for a hobby show. My disability can sometimes prevent me from driving, especially when the pain is too much of a distraction. The key word is sometimes. Sometimes makes it difficult plan. Sometimes seems to show up at the worst times. If I get to Denver, will I be able to drive back? The only insurance against this is to drive with another driver, in which case I’m redundant anyway. Isn’t this fun? It’s all part of life with a disability.

I decided to pray about it, I didn’t get any clear answer like I usually do. So, I decided to inquire of the Lord to understand the meaning of his abstinence in answering, and I said, "What?!" The question I got in my mind was, "Steve, are you resting in me?" As usual, his answer had two distinct applications. First, unless I am resting in God’s peace, it is very difficult for me to hear him. Second, resting in God is impossible without submitting my will to his.

Then he told me, "Where you go will not make you happy." How many personal fortunes have been both amassed and wrecked, how many empires have both risen and fallen because of the belief that going someplace or possessing something will bring happiness? Lucky for me, it didn't cost me the gas money this time.

Then he gave me the kicker: "I will not give you what you want until you decide you do not want it."

For a lot of people, that may just seem like double talk. But in this case, he was using it to illustrate a point with me. He will not give me what my will wants until I decide first to place my will under his will, until I choose that I first want what he wants for me. Until I am choosing his will first, I am going to meet with frustration. If I'm going to be his child, if I'm going to bear the name of Christ, I'd better be submitted to the One Whose name I bear.

Unless God tells me to go, I am not going to Denver. Heaven and earth don't hang in the balance, just my money for gas, the rent of a wheelchair, and some food on the way. This time, it could've been a bumper thumper. Next time, it might be a Kato. I'm strapping my will into the passenger seat with duct tape this time.

*Kato is a rocketry term for "Catastrophic wreck"